Thursday, December 22, 2005
i am meeting him tomorrow to talk things out. he's booking out for a while and thought that maybe it'd be best we meet and work things out.
i stupidly messaged him just now to let me go because i dun deserve him and that i am only making him miserable. seriously, i feel that i am not making him happy.. as happy as he should be anyway. when he sees me, i'd rarely see a smile from him. everytime i see him, i'll always smile because i feel happy but i don't see him smiling/laughing/talking when he sees me. am i truly making him happy???
he replied, "Dun say that.. I've made u cry before.. You've been worried sick because of me before.. I've made u angry before.. These feelings happen because we love each other so much.. N loving is not suffering.. It's e most wonderful feeling tat i can only get from only u.. I love u so much baby.. I'm not suffering.. Not at all"
this is the first time in our 16 months together that we are facing a dilemma. he asked me whether i actually want to stop this love. sigh, how do i tell him that my love for him will never stop?
kiera dear, thanks for your straight-forward tags. i like it that you're not pretentious. yes, i am madly, deeply in love with him. but what do you do when you feel that the person you love doesn't feel or look happy when you're with him? i've been asking myself the past couple of months whether i am making him happy. i admit that i am terribly insecure and i can get so paranoid. so is paranoia engulfing my mind?? gosh, i am so scared to lose him but i'd rather lose him than to make him unhappy.
i hope everything will clear up tomorrow. just pray that i don't get tempted to take his gentle hand and put it on my cheek.
argh!!! i used to be so much more stronger than this!! why does he make me so damn vulnerable??
i've never loved someone like this before. i never used to rant and rant about my emotions. in fact, i hate ranting. it gives me a headache.
i feel schizophrenic right now... my heart tells me to do this but my head tells me to do the opposite. go for logic or intuition?? geez...
can i cry??
or hit my head against the computer screen??
or go running to him and melt in his arms(waaaaaatttt daaaaaaaaaa!!!!!)??????