Wednesday, December 21, 2005
he messaged me yesterday morning saying:
"Baby.. I can't bear to take time off from ya.. I'm missing u like crazy now.. I just haf to accept tat i'm stuck in this island n u are free to do whatever u want out there.. it all boils down to my fear of losing u.. I'm so in love with u.. I hope u understand wat i'm going thru.. Think bout how I feel.. I'm just a selfish bastard tat doesn't respect ur freedom.. I'm sorry.. "
it tugged at my heart strings, choked my air... for the first time, i didn't know what to say to him...
yes, i miss him like mad too. i've been thinking about him every single minute for the past couple of days. i understand that he feels left out because he cannot be with me when he's in camp. somehow, it is not about me wanting to have fun. in fact, i have the most fun when i am out with him because he's the only person who never fails to make me laugh and smile. his tender kisses on my cheek, his gentle but firm hand intertwined in mine, his soft brown eyes that i've never gotten tired of staring into...
*teary-eyed*
but...
i replied to him saying that i think we need time apart from each other for now. at that point of time, my heart was already screaming, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING????"... and my head calmly responded, "thinking of the best for him.. for us..."
i think we really need this time out. to settle each other down from previous frustrations. he needs me and i need him... but i think this relationship needs a breather.
he messaged me this evening saying that he misses me... and i just had to message back "hmmm.. i missed u too..". his reply was heart-wrenching. "Thank you.. U dunno how much tat msg made my day.. But I guess u need more time.."
goodness, i was crying when i read that message while walking towards BBCC. to be honest, when i went clubbing last saturday with the SLV girls, i couldn't stop thinking about him. every guy i saw, i'd be thinking "would't it be nice if fauzi's here instead?". i didn't look at, dance with or bothered about any guy in that place that night except for wishing that he was with me instead.
but why do i still want both of us to take a time out?? because we need it to keep this relationship going. we've been feeling frustrated at each other recently, all due to stupid small things and stressful situations, and i just hate it when we go quiet on each other each time we are in a tense situation(which has been quite often nowadays). this time out is to help release all our frustrations, all negative feelings and come back on a clean slate. hopefully my head will clear up soon. my heart yearns for him but my head is in total control.
for you, here's a song that always reminds me of you...
Only Hope - Mandy Moore There's a song that's inside of my soul It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold will you sing to me over and over and over again
So I lay my head back down and I lift my hands and pray To be only yours I pray to be only yours I know now you're my Only hope
Sing to me the song of the stars Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again When it feels like my dreams are so far Sing to me of the plans That you have for me over again
So I lay my head back down and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours I pray, to be only yours I know now you're my Only hope
I give you my destiny I'm giving you all of me I want your symphony Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back So I lay my head back down and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours I pray To be only yours I pray To be only yours I know now You're my Only hope
well, on a brighter note, the creative ria competition is on this sunday at tampines. we are in the finals. thank goodness we have help on the song for this competition. we would not have known what to do! i'll be providing most of the choreography due to mimi being in camp until friday. at least there'll be something for me to do to keep my mind off him. dancing has always helped me release whatever tension in me. at the least, i've invited him to attend the competition. it was.. erm.. out of courtesy. we'd definitely need all the support we can get....
OH WHO AM I KIDDING????
i am in denial... i actually want him there.. no, i NEED him there. to have him cheering me on will definitely boost my confidence. sheesh, i am using him, aren't i???
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