Sunday, June 12, 2005
who would have thought that just one outing with a male buddy would make him realise how much i truly mean to him?? feeling the true fear of losing someone who is a treasure to him...
i went out with dean just now to east coast. it was great fun. we took our own sweet time there, had a small meal at mac, looked around the bike shops for bikes good enough for us amateurs, rented two out and went on our way to the ends of east coast beach. it was a great ride out, just enjoying the evening sun with the cool breeze against our faces while talking about stuff. we cycled, rested, talked, cycled, rested, talked and cycled till our asses hurt. after a whole day of great fun between friends, he finally called asking me whether i felt guilty or not for going out with him. in my heart, i was wondering what the hell he was talking about because he had given me the green light to go out with him in the first place. after hearing all the things he said, initially i did get angry, then upset but then i just sighed.
why does it take something that hurts to get someone to finally speak up? i may be a girl but sometimes, unfortunately, i think like a guy so if you don't tell me a specific thing, then too bad because i cannot read anyone's mind. being the quiet and shy guy he is against an open and outspoken girl i am, this might very well call for a match made in hell(for the guy)/heaven(for the girl) which by the way is SO not me to take advantage of someone.
have you ever felt like you know someone so well and in much detail but then again, you feel like you don't know the person because you never really knew how he/she thinks or feels?? that was the situation that i was in. i felt trapped. i felt lost. i felt FRUSTRATED. it got up to the point where i felt that i should just leave him alone and let him be since he won't really open up to me. how long does a person take to open up to someone? sigh, this is so confusing. sometimes i feel like being apart from him because no matter how affectionate and open i am about my feelings towards him, he won't respond back. i am mostly the one who has to hold his hand first, kiss him first, say 'i love you' first, etc. deep inside, i know something is wrong with us but then again, i know he will not believe that there is any problems. he can provide me with the necessities to live but i want to know his heart. he was brought up in a way that prevents him from expressing feelings and now, it's hindering us. but he didn't change when i got together with him. it was only after he got into NS that he changed to this current quiet type. i love him, no doubt about that but there's more to a relationship than just love. it requires communication, sincerity, understanding, honesty and more... or maybe i am the one who is demanding too much??
sigh, for all i know, the more time passes by that he holds back his feelings and thoughts from me, the more i feel that we are getting apart. i am definitely scared of losing him but if losing him is what it takes for him to be more of himself and more happier, then that is what shall be done. :'(
love makes one happy but it hurts too... alas, the irony of it...
-sigh, i just needed to pour out whatever that i feel right now before i burst... i don't need anyone to comment on this. these are my thoughts, my feelings and this blog is my outlet for my current frustration. so, thanks..-
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