Monday, June 13, 2005
i finally told him that maybe we need a little time off from each other. and surprisingly he agreed but i just hope that the time apart will help us realise what we really want from this relationship. it's easy to say that you want to be with this person for the rest of your life and that you love that someone but to hold up to that promise takes more than just mere words. the energy, the effort, the time, the sacrifice.... it wasn't until yesterday that i realised just how much i actually don't really know him. he never really opened up to me, not like when we first got together in the beginning anyway. i remember him telling me whatever he felt, crying when he felt like he needs to... helping me peep into his heart but now, not even a single crack to see through. for months, i never really knew how he truly felt or what he thought about. he decides to just keep it all inside. i want him to just break away from his inhibitions and kiss me or hug me or say 'i love you' whenever he feels like it. because he's such a quiet, reserved and unexpressive guy, yanni actually calls him "orang tak berperasaan"(a person who shows no feelings). the thing is, he has no problem talking with his friends but when he's alone with me, i feel that he's keeping so many things from me and is just so hard for him to share it with me. sigh...
countless times, i've been taken granted for.. taken advantage of.. made a fool of.. and i don't wish for fauzi to be the next one. the previous weekend, the way he talked to me was just unlike of him. do guys really change after some time of getting used to in a relationship? i tried talking to him about what i felt that weekend but it came to naught. it was never this difficult to talk to him about my feelings and thoughts. sigh...
since the both of us are taking time off, of course i will not be hearing from him so i can only pray that he's safe and healthy. i'm risking losing him and it hurts a lot but though it's never been easy, i had to do this. after what he and i have been through, if the Almighty allows us, we'll be together once again... this will either make or break us... sigh...
though i am the one who made the decision to take time off, i feel very very empty and lost right now. i don't know whether to cry or bang my head against the wall. ironic...
till then, leave me be... i just wish to wallow my face into my bantal busyuk and cry right now...
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