Monday, January 17, 2005
I'm suddenly feeling scared.
I'm suddenly feeling insecure.
I'm suddenly feeling confused.
What is it?? Why?? How?? Those are questions I can only answer vaguely.
I feel empty inside. Loneliness is creeping up. And I'm succumbing to it, even with all of my strength put into resisting it.
I realised, while lying on my bed just now, that I've no one to talk to. Sure I do talk to Fauzi but sometimes, I don't feel as if he is listening. Well, what I know is that all I need right now is someone to just listen. Hear me talk my life out. To someone whom I can trust with my life. And someone who will understand. I'm not saying I don't trust Fauzi. It's just that up until now, I still can't truly open myself fully to him. I don't even dare to bring up anything because I don't want to be bringing trouble to our relationship, causing us to argue or quarrel or fall out just over something that troubles me.
It can even be said that I'm confused. Confused about every single thing.
I guess the main word here is DOUBTS. I'm having doubts. I'm having doubts about myself being able to stay committed. I'm having doubts about my feelings towards Fauzi. I'm having doubts about love.
Yes, I really love him and still do. I'm just so afraid that I'll end up losing that love.