Monday, January 17, 2005
I'm feeling much better now after a good 6 hours sleep. I read back my previous post and it sounds to me as if I'm just contradicting myself. Do I or do I not still love him?? Do I or do I not need him? The answer is crystal clear in my head... Yes.. I still love him.. I still do need him. It's just a matter of whether those feelings will maintain its current position or change as time passes by. This sudden burst of emotions reminded me of that one particular Sunday when Fauzi was in such a bad mood for no good reason at all. Rarely do I see him in a bad mood so I guess, I learnt that when he do get into a bad mood, it means that I have to run. Or at least maintain my distance away to let him cool down.
I do feel lonely, very lonely in fact, especially during times like this when he's almost always away in camp. I can turn to any of his friends or mine but who will understand? That is the most important thing to me. To be honest, I've not had a good heart to heart, personal talk with anyone. A lot of things are kept inside for so long and it's only now that I feel the intensity of it.
What happened to my own best friends?? Mai is busy with her studies in NUS, Nora is MIA, Hajmath is also busy with her studies in poly, Amrul is busy with his work and fiancee and Dean is totally busy with his military police training. I just didn't want to disturb any one of them as I'm sure they already have enough on their shoulders for now.
Fauzi have more than enough on his shoulders, what with the immense stress he has to go through every day but still having to maintain that smile takes more strength than I can ever bring myself to give. I'll only be adding more to that burden.
I'm a burden. To anything and anyone who knows me. There's only one way to settle this...
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