Monday, December 27, 2004
This weekend is sure something that I might never forget.
Fauzi booked out of camp last Friday and since I was bored, I asked him if he wanted to go swimming and we did. We had a really great time there. We were swimming around like kids and having fun. It was a great stress reliever. After that, we didn't know what to do or where to go, that is until the point Fauzi suggested going for a little overnight camping at Sembawang Beach. Thinking it was a nice peaceful place to relax and catch up with each other, we sure didn't expect the hoards of people there celebrating christmas. But we picked a nice spot at the top of the hill where it was far from the christmas celebrations but still near enough civilisation. Everything was taken off the top of our heads and we went and did it. It was great. We talked in the tent about P.Ramlee, his movies, his music and about our lives.
We finally went back home the next day at about 12plus pm and we decided to go to the Esplanade and check out what's there. But soon after I reached his place, I slept like a baby on his bed. We finally went out, not to the Esplanade, but to Suntec City to meet Aida and Abg Im. It felt like a wasted trip to Fauzi, I guess, because we only went there to eat at McDonald's before heading back to Admiralty. Fauzi didn't really sound like being in much of a good mood after he found out that his friends, whom he's not met for some time and who'd normally ask him out, didn't really invite him out together with them to town. I suppose he must have felt a bit neglected by his friends. At least that was what I felt though he didn't tell me anything. We went back home at around 2plus am and I kind of felt guilty that I couldn't spend more time with him that day. For sure, something was tugging at heart... something bad that was about to happen...
The next day, he called me and woke me up as I wanted to follow him to Beach Rd to buy his camp stuff. He told me to take my time getting ready as he said that he has to go to his uncle's place for a while and so I did until he called my brother's handphone an hour later telling me that he's at Causeway Point wandering around waiting for me because he changed his mind about going to his uncle's place. Not wanting to make him wait any longer, I rushed and met him up at Admiralty MRT. On the way to Beach Rd, I actually thought that we could have a nice good lunch together there before we were to go to BBCC for practice for the Old Parliament House show. Things got a bit screwed up when Abang Kamal asked him whether Fauzi had brought his bass guitar at the last minute. Fauzi's mood was already quite bad to start with when I met him at Admiralty but when he got that sms, his mood became worse. Once we reached Lavender MRT, we had to rush to Beach Rd as we were pressed for time. We only got ourselves a drink and off we went back to Woodlands. Things got a bit better in the train as he starting warming up to me. He had called his sister to help him send his bass guitar from home to the MRT station so that we won't waste so much time and energy. Little did I know that his mood was to become even more worse when his sister called back saying that she couldn't go into his room to take the guitar because it was locked. His face changed so quickly, from that of a smile to that of a big frustrated frown. We got down at Woodlands MRT and I thought that I could wait at the station with his big heavy bag so he could rush all the way to his home. At least he wouldnt need to lug his big heavy bag all the way home and all the way back to the MRT. But when I said that I'd wait for him there at the MRT(and I hadn't even finished my sentence!!), he said, "Apa-apa lah..(Whatever lah..)". I was shocked when I heard those words out of his mouth. Somehow, it had hurt me deeply but in order to not make him even more frustrated and upset than he already was, I kept quiet and walked behind him all the way back to his home. He still wouldn't talk when we were going back to the MRT except for the part where I asked him if he had change. By the time we were in the MRT to Bukit Batok, I was nearly in tears but I kept telling myself that once I reach the CC, I'd go to the toilet and cry. At one point of the train journey, he put his arm around my shoulder and asked me whether I was angry at him. I wasnt angry at him. I was sad and heartbroken but I couldn't tell him. When we got off, I offered to carry his bass guitar. While walking to the CC, I was having a bit of trouble carrying his guitar and seeing that I was like that, he "tsk-ed" at me and grabbed his guitar bass away from me. At that point of time, I could feel him push me away further and further apart. I even felt neglect. Not wanting to upset him even more, I walked behind him all the way. When we reached the CC, we were looking for the rest there and when he saw a couple of people at the 3rd storey, he asked me to check who it was but I didn't hear him the first time so I asked, "What?". He raised his voice a little at me,"Check saper tuh kat atas?!?!?(Check who is there at the top?!?!?)". I seriously didn't know what was going on through his mind at that point of time and I was so scared to ask what was wrong with him because I didn't want to upset him any further. I went to check and it wasn't the people we were looking for. When Abg Kamal came out of the studio on the 3rd floor and called us up, I already had tears welling up in my eyes. Upon reaching there, Fauzi was still very much in a bad mood and I guess Abg Kamal saw that and asked him jokingly why his face was like that. Sigh, everyone else in the room saw his sullen face and instead of asking him, they asked me. Like as if I knew. I went to change my clothes and the moment I was in the toilet, I just burst out crying. The pain and the hurt was so much more than when my former boyfriend was cheating on me!! I changed quickly, washed my face a bit and went back to the studio as if nothing happened. Throughout the whole time, my heart felt so heavy and hurt. Even when he wanted to go off to go book into camp, he didn't come to me and said that he was going. If I hadn't looked at him when he was putting on his shoes at the door, I wouldn't have known he had left the room. Abg Im gave me some time off to say goodbye to Fauzi and so I sent him off to the road infront of the CC. I asked him if he was still frustrated and he said that he is still and so I just let him go with heavy heart. I couldn't think of anything else but him and because of that, the inang steps Abg Im taught didn't really go to my head. I was such a blur. I was getting frustrated at myself. To help keep my mind off him, I kept running here and there between both dance studios. Vicky, Aida's friend, was there during the practice and when Aida asked Vicky who she was interested in in the studio, she immediately described Fauzi("Ah the one in black playing guitar, but go already!!") and thank goodness I was not in much of mood to bother because if I was in my normal mood, I think I'd have laughed until I cried on the floor!! Ah well, I got even more frustrated as time went by so I decided to sms him asking whether he was still frustrated and it was only then that he finally let out a bit of what he was feeling. I felt like crying again because seriously, I had wanted to knock Fauzi's head against the wall because he was telling all that a little too late. But who'd care right?? When everything was done, I called Fauzi and surprisingly, he picked up. He apologised and stuff. I guess he wasn't frustrated anymore when he called up Bob's handphone asking for me, apologising again about what happened. I didn't want to let him know how I truly felt so I forced myself to become my usual self. Sigh.... What a day.... What a day...
To be honest, I actually still feel very hurt and I had to blog to make myself feel better. Blogging, I suppose, is a good way to help ease the frustration away because I'm feeling a bit better now now that it's all out. I couldn't talk to him about this because he prefers to forgive and forget totally. This is the first time he's acted this way. He said in one sms just now that even though he felt guilty about me being at the receiving end of his bad mood and frustrations, he had felt lonely and depressed. To think I can't even give him the security and assurance he needs in himself. I don't know what to think considering he had felt lonely and depressed thought I was with him the whole time. Have I done something wrong?? Have I said something that crossed the line?? He's the quiet type and so most of the time, I don't know what he's thinking. Sometimes I do ask whether there's something wrong or whether he's thinking about something but almost every time he'd say nothing. Sigh, I've got another 4 more days to let out all of these hurt and frustrations out of me before he books out this Friday afternoon. What do I do? I wonder how I'll be able to do it...
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