Saturday, November 27, 2004
After a long time dancing just now, I'm feeling a bit damn moody. I'm so tired and adding my PMS-y mood swings makes it all more worse. I nearly cried and also nearly argued with Fauzi all because of a very stupid and minor issue. ARGH!! I try so hard to control it but it's really tough. And most of the time, I don't even realise that I was having a mood swing until after it has passed. Sigh. I hurt the one I love dearly when I am like that and I feel so bad for it. I've been feeling somehow a bit in the dumps lately and I don't even know why.
Just two days ago, I cried infront of Bob, Yanni, Aida, Rahmat n Apok while on the phone with Fauzi at Al-Ameen all because Fauzi said something of the past that had emotionally hurt me, though I don't think Fauzi realised that he did. All I was at that moment was emotionally sensitive. I don't blame him actually. I had brought up a topic that led to him saying that and me crying.
He's actually been nothing but understanding and caring towards me. When we nearly argued just now, he said sorry and that he actually did want to see me..badly..but I had told him to go home and rest considering he has 3 shows to perform at the next day even though I was feeling very emotional and lonely. Instead he replied saying that all the more he should see me because he felt as if he needs to be there with me. Sigh, he knows just what I need to hear and he does it. That's what I love about him. He tries to be there for me, with me, every single moment and he never tries to disappoint me. Maybe I ask for too much. I should try my best to change myself and make him happy. Maybe I am very selfish...only thinking about my own feelings and wants, not his.
As he sleeps right now, I am up thinking about him and chatting with Dean. I've been waiting to talk to Dean for so long! I miss that dude to bits! Wonder when is the next time Amrul, me and him will get together again and hang out. What with Dean in the army, Amrul working and engaged and me dancing, I don't think that it's going to be any time soon.
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To my sweetheart Fauzi,
I am truly sorry for whatever that I've done and said that have hurt you so far. I guess I'm just feeling low, though for no reason, and forgive me if I don't seem to be my normal self. I want to let you know that I truly love you and each and every moment that you are not by my side, I miss you. I cannot predict what is to happen in the future but do know that whatever happens now or in the future, you have made a big impact in my life with your kind, sweet, loving and gentle ways. I'll always love you.. and you'll always be in my heart. Your hugs, your kisses, your smile, your laughter, your smell...these and more are what I yearn for when you are away from me. I love you... No matter how many times I say that, it will never sum up how I truly feel for you.
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