Sunday, May 16, 2004
all of sudden, Mal logged in his MSN and messaged. imagine my shock.. imagine tt i actually stopped breathing for a while... imagine my heart suddenly feeling so vulnerable n open for all to see... it was only for a short while about something.. at first i wanted to just talk coldly to him.. i just didnt want to prolong the chat.. i didnt want my heart to suddenly love him again... but the more he talked, d more vulnerable i became...i said to him something after d thing we talked about was settled,
Me: juz wanna say say sorry for everything i did or said tt made u upset
(at the same time i sent the msg)
Mal: sorry for everything, about anything .. for all the things that i did and somethings i never did .. sorry .. someday if our paths cross maybe i may make it up to u ... like i've said to all the people i've hurt .. i just feel something big's exploding in me ... sorry and take care
(the tears were already welling up in my eyes as i read his msg..)
Mal: u did nothing wrong .. be sure of that .. guilty free and live well ...ur strong .. i noe that
(and he logged off)
by the time i had read his last msg, the tears were alrdy coming down my face like a waterfall. god, it was only then i realised just how much i had missed him.. just how much i still love him.. just how much i needed him.. coincidentally, the song dangerously in love came on in my song playlist. such great timing wasnt it? i thought i had forgotten him.. i thought he was already gone out of my life. i had already accepted the fact that he n i will never be together again.. nor will we see each other again. but when he logged in MSN just now, my heart skipped a beat. i was even asking myself if it was really his nick. it was only when he msged me tt it was confirmed it was him. for sure, i hav fallen in love wit him all over again.. n now it is for sure i wont b talking to him again. n it breaks my heart once again... breaks it so bad cos he felt so near but is so far. i cant take this.. just cant... i hate to love someone who wont be there, who doesnt love me back, who wont be mine but too bad i am loving someone like that... i wish i am not this weak when it comes to him, to love. when i had forgotten all about him, when my heart has already closed to all things related to relationships n love, he comes back all of a sudden n now i m in an emotional turmoil.. confusion... it is drowning me... consuming me.. taking my all, my soul... i still love Mal... it has finally dawned me that i still love Mal... i love him... NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!