Monday, April 19, 2004
something is totally wrong now. Mal seems to be ignoring me. when i messaged him in msn, he didnt reply but i know that it is him. for no reason at all, he seems to just disappear. i sms him at ard 3plus am dis morning cos all i cud ever think about was him. he didnt reply. maybe he was sleeping... maybe. i dont know. i am so confused. i wish to talk to him but i am afraid i will only make things worse. i want to know just wat is going wrong. i just want to know if we can make it right. i feel like crying but the tears wont come. what should i do? should i just leave him alone?? or should i at least try to salvage it? *argh.. headache* he definitely didnt seem happy to see me when he came to send back my laptop. is dere something about my face that makes guys wanna run away from me after spending time with me? is dere something wrong about me that they'd rather not be near me?? i want to call him but i am soooo afraid he will never pick up my calls. i dont think i can take anymore rejections. he may have rejected me by not responding to my sms. he may have rejected me by not responding in msn. but i cant let him reject me by him not picking up my calls. that i cant take. are guys just out to play wit my emotions and feelings? that is wat every guy i've been committed to has been doing to me my whole entire life. maybe this is no exception?? maybe he is just one of those guys?? maybe.... but i pray so hard he is not. he said such sweet words about us living each day together, just taking in the peaceful moments we have with each other. but was it all just for show? sigh for that, i may never know....
*hunny retreats into seclusion.... into heartbreak.... into loneliness... *