Wednesday, April 21, 2004
i am feeling so low today. as i think how my life is turning out now, i feel like i am going nowhere. even trying to meet Mal is so hard. sure i understand that he is going to be busy this week considering the competitions he has to attend to this week. but it is also during this time that i need him the most. i've not seen him since last sun afternoon and i am getting more stressed as time passes by. i've got to teach the students more steps for their teacher's day performance and i am getting low in my financial resources. the two most important gigs for me and my dance group was cancelled at the last minute and i've received news about something i wish i wasnt involved in, something that will forever give me nightmares. i have messaged Mal twice to meet me tonight but he has replied to none of it. i just need someone to talk to tonight. i just need someone to listen to me, to assure me that i am alright, to just be there for me when i need someone and the only person i wish to do that is not replying to any of my messages.
am i just fooling myself? my chest is filled wit ache and my eyes are welling up wit tears. once again, i find myself alone with no one to run to.... it's like i am sitting alone in a large dark room with no doors or windows...
nowadays, the more i look at myself in the mirror, the more i hate myself, the more i feel disgusted at myself, the more i hate being who i am. i used to be satisfied with myself. i used to be happy just being myself until the point when i grew up, seeking the ever elusive love. i've never really gotten the love i need from my family. inside, i am always craving love. why can't i find someone who can be there for me when i really need him to? why can't i be with someone who truly means what he says? why can't i find someone who makes me feel so special from inside out? someone who treats me like a gem... who loves me for who i am... who makes me laugh when i am down... who wipes away my tears when i cry... who hugs me tight when i am insecure... i guess i have already said the question... who?? i am at the point of my life where i feel so useless, so depressed, so ... unwanted. who the hell needs me? who the hell even wants me? i've always been the one wanting....needing other people... i am desperate.... i am pathetic....