Sunday, February 15, 2004
i still feel so damn angry at irwan for being such a dimwit!!!!!! just last friday we had a great date with dinner at swensen's, shopping, coffee by the water front and talking. i didnt even sleep dat friday nite so i can spend more time with him and also to spend time wit yam and yan. i went to wrk on da following saturday and i was having quite a good day at wrk. there were lots of customers up to the point of not being able to entertain everyone! thank god kayde came along to help me...kate came down just to add on more items to the store and i was soo bombarded by the customers and more items added on that my skirt tore at the side...i was like OH NOOOOO!!! hahaha....funny....i had to ask hajma to bring down a skirt for me to change into...i didnt even take my break till 6pm and when i did take a break, i took one and a half hr to go back to wrk. hehehe...i had to take a deserved break considering that i did make $1400++ in sales! hehehe....well after wrk, hajma and i walked and walked till plaza singapura and walked around and hung outside of 7-11 and talked about everything under the pale moonlight. i did remember messaging irwan lots of times....even calling him but he only picked up once saying he was busy wit closing the restaurant. so i thought i'd just call him when i got back home. when i got back home which was about 12.15am, i called him up again and again but he didnt pick up. i thought that maybe he was really busy or he had put the phone on silent and thought he'd call back once he sees the missed calls frm me. i waited and waited and waited until i accidentally slept. when i woke up, it was 4am and still no messages or calls from him. the first thing i felt was not anger but worry. i got extremely worried and i msged him telling him to call me da mmt he read dat msg. he did call...he called my home mmts later and i knew he was outside when i heard da background. he was actually at grandcity with the gang and he didnt even tell me that he was there. it was only then that i just felt the anger rushing into my head and heart. i asked him why he didnt just tell me he was going down dere....and he replied with a lifeless answer....he just wasnt in the mood to talk cos frm hard day at wrk. den i asked him why he didnt just msged me...and a stupid excuse juz came out...dat he just didnt like to msg. that was when i really felt like exploding! i told him that just one msg from him is enough to tell me where he is and how he is doing. that is all i ever need frm him. he just kept quiet. i even told him that i dont even know who is more important to him, me or his friends. he just shot back asking...so now ur blaming my friends ah?? i mean...wat da heck is dat for?!?!? i was not blaming them. i was blaming him cos he is da one who made da mistake. i said that i am not blaming them cos i dont even noe where i stand in his life. he just kept quiet and i just go sooooooo fed up that i told him to just forget it, told him to take care and said bye...then i hung up. the moment i hung up, the hot tears just flowed with pain acting up in my chest. i just cried and cried and it was just so painful, it became near to unbearable. to think i got so worried abt him, wondering how he is when actually he was at the coffeeshop wit the rest. doesnt he have the initiative to at least just tell me his whereabouts?? i've alrdy told him numerous times just how one message from him is just enough for me to last the whole day. that is all i need and is that too much to ask for?? if he can respond to his friends, why cant he respond to me?? he can easily give me materialistic stuff but i just dont need dat. wat i need cannot be given but wat i dont need he gives. i don need materialistic stuff to satisfy me. i don even need it to pacify me. ARGH!!!!!! and just now, he can just easily send a mass message to whoever and me asking ppl to respond to him asap about going to beach road. i was like, wat audacity to message me abt this when actually we were supposed to go to sentosa today. he didnt even message me saying he was sorry or watsoever. does he even treat me as his gf or not??? wats the use of me in his life if im not even important to him?? if he doesnt need me, wat da heck for should i stay? i'm done with all this. i dont want to stay with someone who can give me all the materials in the world but cannot just give me one single need. if i am alone, i know i wont disappoint myself. just thinking abt it makes me feel pain in my heart. i'm not going to be with someone who doesnt even need me in his life. i dont need dat kind of pain at all. not at all...