Friday, January 30, 2004
how could i hav let myself get taken advantaged like dat?? how could i hav let myself put myself into this kind of situation? due to my stupidity, i've lost my dignity and the love of my life. all my fault....only myself to blame. now i feel as if everyone has abandoned me...right when i am at my worst emotions...i have no one. somehow i know i deserve it. i deserve all the consequences. maybe i should juz b out of everyone's life and who knows, it can be for the best of everyone especially for irwan. for all i know, i never meant to hurt him in any way. but then i did hurt him...and i hurt him a lot...and i will never be able to make it up to him no matter wat i try to do. this is all my fault. all my fault. i have lost him all because of my stupidity. i just feel as if i've lost all hope of living. seriously, i'd rather be dead than be feeling like i've lost everything that meant the world to me. all hope is gone and i guess i should be gone too. irwan was the best boyfriend i've ever had and he deserves someone better than a cheap dirty prostitute like me. i am not worthy of him...not at all. no words can describe the pain i am feeling right now...no words can describe how much i need him right now...no words can describe how much i need to be in his arms to feel safe again. but most probably i'll never be able to feel that again. most probably i'll never get to see him again. as i listen to toni braxton's unbreak my heart, it sings exactly wat i wanna say to irwan. i know no amount of sorry and regret can make up for wat i did to him. i have betrayed him. i've let my soulmate walk out of my life....tho i donno how i can go on in life without him. now i only got me, myself and i...i wish to call him so badly but i feel too ashamed to hear his voice. i couldnt even look up and look into his eyes yesterday. i yearned to just touch his hand and feel the warmth of his skin to make me feel better but i couldnt bring myself to even walk near him. i cant eat, i cant sleep and i found myself just walking...wandering around woodlands in the middle of the night. i've never felt so.....lost...in my whole entire life. i hav disappointed so many people in my life...and i've tried so hard not to disappoint him but in the end, i did wat i've been trying not to. i'd do anything to just hear him say to me that he still loves me....anything to have him in my arms again....anything...
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