Wednesday, September 03, 2003
what do i expect on my birthday? what will i be doing on my birthday? who will i be with on my birthday? i guess those questions will only be answered in time. almost each night i am up here infront of the computer thinking of how i am going to go through my own birthday and each coming day before and after that. i put up such a tough exterior but inside i am crying and my heart bleeds. i cannot blame anyone who doesnt know how i feel. each day i smile and laugh as if nothing bothers me but i wish i was really like that. i wish to be my happy-go-lucky self again. i wish to come upon each day with a smile not just on my face but in my heart again. where have those days gone? do i blame him(his name is rizal anyway)? it is better to have loved and be loved than never at all. i seriously dont know how i can agree with that. i am in love with someone but it is so complicated. does he love me too? he told me once he do but why is it he does these things? the way things are going.....he even seem non-existant. but he is still able to jolt my heart when i see his picture. the way he smiles, the way he talk, the way he looked when he was sleeping in the cab.....is still so vivid in my mind. finally i am in love with someone for he is and not what he seems to be but am i really?? who is he really? i have only met him once and i have never really talked to him on the phone. most of the time if not all the time, we would be smsing each other. that is all we ever communicate by. ok now that sounds pathetic haha!! oh well, i sound insane to be in love with someone whom i have only met once and had never talked for an hour on the phone with before. now i wonder myself why am i in love with him in the first place?? haha....i could put it all down and i would hav filled up every little space in here. oh well he has filled up every inch of my mind. the thing is how do i scrape him out totally?? sigh....he has made me sigh, cry, daydream....more than anyone has made me. damn!! did he come into my life to destroy it? was that he was sent for? to destroy me? he is so.....argh!! IMPOSSIBLE!! impossible for me to get rid of, impossible for me to hate, impossible for me to get!! i seriously got to move on fast! it is bringing me down so much i am losing concentration on my upmost passion, my dancing. just how did i let him get the best of me? how could i have been so vulnerable to him? but i was only vulnerable to him. why him???