Monday, September 01, 2003
in another 26 days, it will be my birthday. juz the thought of it makes me want to cry. somehow this year i know that i am going to be alone. i had always thought that i will spend every of my birthday with my previous bf. but since our break up, reality bites. not that in my previous birthdays i wasnt lonely or anything. well i kind of was lonely even though i was with someone but now i am really going to be alone. it feels more lonely than i ever thought it'd be. oh well it is just another birthday and no one really cares. would someone actually just sacrifice their time just to be with me on my birthday?? i know the person i love wont. i know no one will. oh well, i dont need to feel so pathetic about my stupid birthday. i just wonder why he sent me those virtual kisses when he doesnt want me at all?? he knows i am in love with him and right now, i am trying so hard not to fall in love with him all over again. it was such shock when i saw that he was the one sending me the kisses. my heart just skipped a beat. i seriously thought i was slowly starting to forget him and i had just met a nice guy but damn!! i'd be banging my head against the wall right now if i could!! ok now im having a headache....sigh....i know love is not love without the pain but why like this?? does he even like me in the first place? to me, it seems as if he is playing around with my heart so callously and so mercilessly. he doesnt respond to my msgs, doesnt pick up my calls and doesnt even reply to any of the sticky notes i send him. before today, i didnt even think of contacting him in any way but after what he did, my head is in such a confused state i cannot even comprehend what is really going on in me right now. seriously never have anyone made me feel this way. basically because it is hard for me to like a guy in the first place, let alone love him. i seriously dont know what made me fall so hard in love with him. there are other guys who are much more better looking or has better personalities but somehow my heart stayed with only him. AND HE IS NOT EVEN MINE!! pure heartbreak when he first told me that his ex-gf wanted him back. i was on my way to my cousin's place and tears were welling up in my eyes. i thought that that was it....i am going to lose the person i love to someone who cheated on him. but when he said that he wont take her back, i was so elated i was jumping up and down around my cousin's home!! my cousin thought i had gone insane!! i cannot deny that i love him with my whole heart. he knows just how i feel. but maybe if i just keep away from him, if he doesnt know anymore of how i feel for him, then maybe this love will just remain silent. at least if i love him in silence, i dont get rejection and in silence, he is just mine. no one will ever have to know. i know...i know....it sounds a little psychotic in a way. hahaha....i am definitely crazy one way or another....for what i know, i am definitely crazy about him. but like i said, all this will just be in silence. i dont even wish to hope that there will ever be anything between me and him. i will only put myself up for more disappointment. like my friend said, some things are not meant to be done anything for......and this is one of them i guess. no use making an effort if nothing will come out of it. right?? :O) oh well all i can do now is to just resist from contacting him in days to come. sigh.....after the first time we met, i had told him through an sms hoping that it wont be a one-time thingy.....he replied saying that he doubts it will be a one-time thingy. somehow that doubt is turning into a doubt of itself. i cannot believe just from one meeting and i have fallen in love with him. what is wrong with me??
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