Thursday, September 11, 2003
can you imagine my shock when sham asked that we get out of each other's lives for good?? i feel as if i am losing something so precious all over again. i had that feeling when we broke up. now i am feeling it again. just actually why do the both of us still be friends in the first place when we were never friends?? he blamed me for what happened but i didnt even know i had gotten him involved until i found out from him himself. he said he hated me for that but now he doesnt hate me anymore. he even asked himself why he still cares for me after what happened. i should wonder to myself why i even forgave him for all those wrong things he did to me when i myself came into close shave with death because of him?? i finally told him that i had sworn to get back at him for all that he did to me and now that he got what he has now, i guess the both of us are even. ah well, i dont feel it is even but it scared him a lot until he now doesnt even want to be in my life anymore. maybe i still love him that is why i still cling on to him no matter what he did, or maybe i hate him to the core and for the reason to get back at him is why i still cling on to him. oh well now we wont be in each other's way i guess. he said he wants to go into the elite police force and concentrate fully on it. he said that he dont even think he can get married let alone have a girlfriend once he do get into that force. sounds to me like a lot of crap and bullshit. throughout the whole time i was with him, he had always made me feel unworthy of him. then just now he told me that he had broken up with me because he thought i dont deserve a guy like him. now come to think of it, no matter what i did for him, he doesnt appreciate. i had changed so much for him. i had gotten myself in so much trouble when the devastation of the break up finally got to me. now i wish we hadnt met. i think i will still be where i am now no matter if i had met him or not in my life. now come to think of it, i do deserve better than him. someone who treats me right and loves me for who i am....who wouldnt want me to change my appearance or personality to his own preference...i had done my best but it wasnt enough for him. he can practically do whatever he wishes to do in his life now. somehow i dont really need to know what he is doing or going to do because it definitely doesnt concern me. he had never needed me in the first place and so now it is my turn. i had been so stupid and dumb but now i am coming back stronger. i am definitely going to show to him one day i am not the girl he though he knew. i guess all i can do now is wish him the best in his life and hope things turn out the way he wishes it to be. so what if in my heart, i will always love him considering he was my first love but i am definitely moving on in my life. time to find my path....the path to what i was put on this earth for. no more thinking of love or relationships. from now on, my personal life mission will be my main most priority and everything else will come a very far second. time i put my life back together. to think the man(or guy since not man yet) who had brought me up to a higher point is the one who had made fall. the guy whom i had given my everything to only to lose it all when he decides to leave. never am i going to give the best of me(both heart and body) to a man until i am fully ready and very committed. i should stand by the shred of dignity i have left now after what he did and not lose my grip again. never will that happen again.....never...
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